Hear me moan,
Christmas should be about spending time with the family and celebrating the birth of Jesus but if we’re being honest with ourselves Christmas is the only time of year where our insatiable greed and uncontrollable eating isn’t frowned upon.
And Christmas is most certainly not about playing videogames. They will distract you from pretending you’re happy with all the shit gifts you received this year. This is a charade you must maintain all day and gaming will not aid you in your quest.
Here are 4 games you should avoid this Christmas.
Fallout 4
Christmas comes but once a year. It only lasts 24 hours. Fallout 4, on the other hand, lasts fucking ages. It’s a black hole; once it has its hold on you there’s no escaping its punishing embrace. Don’t sacrifice your marriage or your job for Fallout 4 because once it tosses you back into the unknown you’ll need money and someone to love you.
Star Wars: Battlefront
Once the important Christmas shenanigans are out of the way you have to sit awkwardly with your relatives when all you really want is some alone-time. You won’t find privacy in Star Wars: Battlefront because there’s no single player campaign. Sure, you can play offline with AI, but that’s depressing when there are warm bodies in the same house. Star Wars: Battlefront forces you to cooperate and communicate with real people, which is no different than sitting in the lounge and watching TV with your flatulent father.
FIFA 16
Videogames are educational and influential, and gamers are incredibly impressionable. That’s why CoD and Halo turn male teens into serial killers. That’s why playing FIFA 16 this Christmas will kick-start your football career. FIFA 16 will encourage you to actually go outside with your friends. You will start wearing shorts. In December. Nobody wants that. Absolutely nobody.
Until Dawn
Halloween was months ago. Let it go.
Merry Christmas! Want to retaliate? Post a comment. I lament once a week but you can follow me on Twitter @LeeLaments where I moan every day.
